fullerton's blog

I haven't made a real post to VOXin sometime but I would like to maintain a presence here.  With this in mind I am going to start posting the entries I make for my family blog (http://mjasong.blogspot.com).  It seemed like the most convenient way to save time while maintaining some form of identity on VOX.  If some things seem weird contextually remember that the posts are intended for my family and their close friends. --Mike

I am officially registered for classes at the University of Oregon. U of O requires transfer students to attend a mandatory orientation before students are allowed to choose their first schedule. It was inconvenient but I made the 2 hour ($50 dollar!) trek down to Eugene via Amtrak. I didn't really learn that much at orientation. I go to a strange school currently so some of m credits didn't transfer, that was frustrating. I also learned that I am going to be required to take two years of foreign language which, while fun, is going to eat up valuable time and schedule space in my limited time as Oregon undergrad.

Unfortunately, transfer students are the last to register so my language options were minimal.  The only classes that had availability were Russian, Arabic, Portuguese, Swahili, Latin, Attic (ancient) Greek, Norwegian and a few Asian languages.  I chose Russian but not just because it's the most useful to Oregon.

Russian pairs itself well with Central Asian studies.  Central Asia (Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan and the other "stans") is an interesting region as they are for the most part secular and stable governmentally and sitting on vast stores of potential oil and gas wealth.  My idea to studying the region as a grad student is completely cynical.  They're going to be important in the future and have money thus as an American with knowledge of the region I might be able to make good money.  I'm not sure if I am really ready to commit to the idea though.

I am thinking about changing my language choice to Latin.  I'm not going to become fluent in anything I take for only two years so it probably doesn't matter what I take.  Latin is interesting to me though and at least somewhat useful as a history major.  Also, I know some Latin already and it uses the same alphabet so it will likely be much easier than the other options.  I don't know though I can't decide.  What do you think?

Now that my schedule is (mostly) set I need to focus on finding myself housing and employment.  Finding a job through the university will be relatively easy and though I am guaranteed some form of housing I am concerned.  There is a chance I could end up living in a dorm, which after living on my own for song long seems like a nightmare.  There are houses that the university provides qualified students and I am hoping to get into one of those.  I know I am in line, but haven't heard much else.  Keep you fingers crossed for me.

Outside of school not a whole lot has been going on.  Scott and I have been going on hikes as usual.  We went to Smith Rock in May which I don't think I ever mentioned.  There were some hairy, dangerous spots I didn't remember from our trips there growing up but we had a great time.  A few weeks ago we hiked along the pacific crest trail on Mt Hood for Scott's birthday.  It was beautiful as well.  We saw glaciers and tons of butterflies and of course saw amazing views of the upper portions of the mountain.  It was fun realizing that we were on the mountain that we look at from the city all the time.

Just a few days ago Scott's sister, her husband and their son Aidan came to visit.  Aidan is the one I email you about pleading with you to make donations to the Cystic Fibrosis foundation.  It was the first time I had met any of them.  Everything went well and it was great to meet them after hearing so much about them, especially Aidan.    He is so impossibly cute.

Well, I think that I will wrap things up there.  I have a writing assignment I should really get cracking on.  I wrote this in part to avoid it.  I love you all and hope you doing well.

Hasta

Scott and I went on an over night trip to Newport, Oregon at he beginning of the week. Scott

really seemed to enjoy himself which was enough to make me happy.  The memory of the trip seems so distant.  When I arrived back in Portland on Tuesday it was to my new home in St John's.  The last couple of days have been spent trying to finish settling in and unpacking.  The condo is beautiful, unfortunately no pictures have been taken yet.  It's sleek and brand new and makes all of my shoddy old things look even more terrible.

As I've said several times, the new neighborhood is quite working class and pretty run down.  I have to say, I kind of like it though.  It's nice not walking around my knowing I'm the poorest person who doesn't live in cardboard.  My bank account is mysteriously overdrawn so I spent yesterday walking around St John's looking for a place that would cash my check.  The experience seemed oddly appropriate.  The hood isn't so bad if you romanticize it.

I haven't made the long trek from from the condo to school yet.  I had classes on Wednesday but traveling, moving and unpacking lead to a late night and a late rise.  I used the illegitimate day off to do the two bags of laundry I brought to the new place and unpack some.  I'm stressed about the missed class but glad at the amount of unpacking I was able to complete.  There is still a lot left though.  I won't feel completely comfortable until it is all done.

I did make the slightly shorter trek to downtown today.  I went into the Oregon Historical Society press where I volunteer.  Lately I've felt kind of useless and adrift while there.  Everyone seems too busy to even assign me work but today I was given a fun project.  We are publishing an anthology of memoirs, poetry and prose about Portland and I'm helping to proof it.  I had so much fun I was sad tp leave today.

I would have stayed later but I had to go to work.  We're short staffed so I was tapped to fill in some shifts on my day off.  They needed the help so I offered and soon regretted the decision.  I'll be happy when I get my paycheck though.  I could really use the money.  Being at work started to sour my day but upon sitting down and checking my email I noticed my financial aid finally went through which was pleasing and I also received a happy email from Scott.  He told me that his Mom asked about me and he was elated.

That email made my day.  Scott recently came out to his family and has been worried about how their relationship would fair.  This was heartening news.  I know it made Scott happy, which makes me that much happier.

After my morning classes Scott is picking me up and were heading off to Newport.

When I get back from the coast I will be moved into my roommates brand new condo.

All moves should be this easy.

A guest here at the hotel just called me at the front desk and asked me how I was. I told him I was doing well and asked about his status. He told me he was "unnerved" and "more than a little annoyed with the surveillance that was going on"

I was silent for a moment and asked him to explain. He said "Well, for instance, I'm sitting here cutting some cheese and I hear: 'there we go with the cheese again.' and I have all my blinds closed, it been a constant thing"

I assured him that we didn't have any kind of surveillance going on and he assured me that he wasn't blaming me. He explained that he assumed that they (the people in the other rooms) likely "brought their own". I asked him where the voices were coming from and he said "well, like for instance above me" He then told me about how thin the walls were and how he could hear the guests all around him describing his every move.

I said that I knew the walls were somewhat thin but certainly not thin enough that you could here normal conversations. He insisted they were and that the guests around him were describing his every move and that it had been going on for sometime.

Not knowing what else to do I said: "Well sir, I'm sorry, if you'd like to check out without penalty you can. I am, unfortunately, completely unequipped to handle your problem"

He told me that it was OK, that he knew there was nothing I could really do but he just thought I should know.

Well, now I know.

I wonder why he's cutting cheese.

Scott met the family on Tuesday.

My grandparents are taking me and my entire family on a Princess cruise to Mexico this December and as the date draws near there are forms to sign and things to look over.  Those things were in Salem where my parents and Grandparents live. Rather than have them mail them up I decided Scott and I should use the opprotunity to vist.

Soon after I regretted it.

In the days leading up to the visit Scott seemed a bit on edge and depressed.  He said it was for reasons unrelated to the impending visit and I believed him, but kept asking if he really wanted to go through with the visit.  Being the dutiful boyfriend he is, he insisted, despite feeling under the weather.  He was nervous and then I was nervous. 

I tend to manage my family with misdirection and worried that Scott's visit my damage my abilities.  That is a terrible sentiment but it's true and caused quite a bit of queasiness when I thought about the impending meeting.  I also worried about my family's reaction to Scott.  They've been judgemental in the past and being protective, I worried for Scotty.  The ride down south wasn't cheery, Scott and I got in a fight on the way and I worried that might color the experience even darker.

Our first stop was at Oma and Papa's.  My granparents.

We were greeeted at the door. Hugs and introductions were exchanged.  As we all sat at the table there seemed to be a nervous energy to my normally uber-placid grandparents. I think it was more because Papa had a lot of information to impart to me about the cruise and about my mutual fund and Oma is usually the more chatty of the two. Things went well though, Papa seemed impressed with Scott's job (He's a producer at a TV station) and even invited him over for thankgiving dinner this year.

After the first stop, my fretting was unfounded.

Afterward we drove the short distance to my parents house where my father, stepmother, older brother and nieces were waiting.  We all gathered around the dining room table to eat the pizza Kathy (stepmom) bought for the occasion.  At first my father seemed reluctant to sit next to Scott, but that may be in my head.  If he was he made up for it by engaging Scott in friendly conversation through out the evening.  My parents and brother also seemed interested in Scott's work and asked him tons of questions.  After awhile Scott seemed perfectly happy and confortable around them.  Even when my crazy older brother started talking about how newspeople like Scott are part of a giant consiracy Scott took it well. Scott was the belle of the ball. They invited us down again, my Dad made sure to know we were always welcome.

I do think my father, brother and grandparents (Kathy is super-queer friendly) were a little nervous to meet the gay-boyfriend but the acted perfectly civil and friendly to Scott despite it.  I left pretty pleased witht he whole affair.

On the drive home, Scott was all smiley and at one point held my hand and told me how happy he was to meet my family and how much he liked them.

:)

I just tore my pants.

It wasn't in the funny split-in-the-ass kind of way. I went to plop down in my chair here at work and my pocket got caught on the arm. Hopefully I can convince Jwo to help me stitch them up. It probably won't look all that great but I'm pants-poor at the moment any pair I can get.

I really need to buy some new trousers but unfortunately I'm not just pants-poor. I'm a lot of things poor. I need new underwear, I'm running out of socks, and the shirts I have are rapidly going (really have gone) out of style. Should I buy new clothes? Can it be justified? The new budget has me asking these questions a lot frequently than in the past.

I own no phone, and it's notoriously hard to get in touch with me. This annoys, me, my roommates, my work and especially my family. Does that justify $40 a month on a cell phone? I have something of a land line, my roommate's vonage, but it only works intermittently. I assume that will be better once we move but just the same I'm rarely at my apartment. I've learned to live with this, but as my bus trips get farther after the move and I become even more absent at my home, will it be reasonable to live without a phone?

My computer is about ten years old. It's noisy, cannot play video, and occasionally shuts itself down for no reason. I spend a lot of time online, it's my main form of entertainment and relaxation and also my primary tool of study. There are computers at school though and Scott lets me use his iBook when absolutely necessary. Isn't that enough to get me by?

With my wages and student loans I theoretically could purchase a computer, buy some clothes and get a mobile phone. But, if I continue to borrow at the same rate I am now I'll be somewhere around $30,000 in debt by the time I graduate. I'm not pleased with the idea of leaving school at almost 30 years old saddled with the coast of a new Mustang on me and I worry that my public school humanities degree will not demand the kind of money to rid myself of the thirty thousand dollar yoke in a timely fashion.

I plan on going to grad-school which my roommate insists will pay for itself. That will at least halt some of the loans from collecting interest at least. Still I wonder how quickly I will be able to dissolve the debt armed even with a higher degree. How old will I be when I'm out from under the wet blanket of debt? 40? 50!?!

I currently have about $6,000 in student loans, and about a sliver over $4,000 in other debts from the past. If I continue to follow my current budget until graduation I will at least be out from under the "other" debt come time to pay the education related variety. What of savings though?

I have a $1300 mutual find that Papa opened for me when I was younger. I'm in the process of getting that signed over into my name so I have completely control over it. That money will work as my savings and as a tiny emergency fund I can borrow from in those times when I find myself with an empty checking account and empty stomach. The budget includes sends $25 dollars a month off to bolster its tally, but really that's nothing at all, that's 300 a year. Only 3,000 a decade. I'll be nearing retirement in only 3 decades. I doubt 9,000 will float me on until death.

I don't like worrying about material things. I hate that I am occasionally so desirous of things that are so inconsequential. I need food, I need shelter and companionship. I have survived better than many in this world with a half working computer, ugly clothes and only partial connection in the realm of telecommunications. I feel sorry for myself occasionally, I hate my situation often but most people live off of less than $40 a year and have nothing close to my opportunities. I can go to school after all, even if it forces me into relative poverty. I just hope, so dearly, I can eventually make those who care about me proud, find some form of personal happiness and still get to a point where I am financially stable.

Right now I'm not exactly sure how it's going to happen.

It's the first day of school.

So far things are going pretty well.  My schedule has a 5 hour gap in the middle which leave me stuck for awhile.  In the future this will probably make for good study time but as it's the first day I don't yet have things to study.  It would probably be most wise to use this time buying my books, making appointments with counselors, and taking care of the loose ends I have with the financial aid department but all the bookstore and all the offices are crammed.  I just don't feel like dealing with the crush on humanity.  I hate waiting in lines.

Watch as I create stress for myself in the future.

I'm all around disappointed with my schedule this term.  I intended leave Tuesdays fee.  Monday and Tuesday are Scott's days off and because I have 5 day classes required before I can transfer this stood to be the last term I could enjoy a free days with Scott.  Unfortunately, because of a series class moves etc I still must attend class on Tuesdays and I'm not in my required classes.  I enjoy the classes that I'm in though.  I cannot complain too much.

Another stress this term is my family vacation.  Yes, my vacation!  My family scheduled a cruise months, in fact years in advance before I knew my schedule and it happens to land dead on finals week, another reason I chose my current roster of classes.  I know at least two of my professors offer detours around the finals week final.  In philosophy we can opt to right a term paper. In my geology class Dr. Hutson  only records our top three test scores (out of four) so if I perform well on the the three preceding tests the final is not required.  The situation puts a lot of pressure on, but I would rather not inherit the wrath of my family.  It may seem like misplaced priorities but there are historical issues behind my decision and, well, you don't know my family.

My history class, the one I'm currently waiting for, is the question mark.  Hopefully the professor, being as eager to launch into break as we students, will schedule the last test of the term on the last official week of classes.  If not, I will have to email him and present my situation.  If nothing can be done I will launch into panic mode and quickly try and find another class.

Life, all that that existed before I started college is what makes school difficult.  The classes are easy but the circumstances of my situation make them much more challenging.

Boyfriends, family, bad scheduling, five hour breaks in the middle of nowhere and hour and a half bus-rides each way are conspiring to equate disaster.  Hopefully I can persevere.

Is there a friend who you owe a phonecall or email? What's stopping you?

I only answer these when I have an immediate and certain answer.  My answer for this: Just about everyone.

I'm horrible about keeping touch with people.  I've alienated more than a few friends through lack of contact.  My roommate and my boyfriend have watched me neglect friends and family and openly lament the day when I stop communicating with them.  Knowing that Scott, fears falling out of touch and hearing Ryan refer to the time "when" I stop talking to him makes me incredibly sad.

I'm not sure specifically what it is that keeps me from contacting people.  I assume it's a combination of personality flaws.  I have a terrible procrastination habit and on top of that I am avoidant.  So, when I haven't gotten in touch with someone in some time, I begin actively avoiding getting back in touch with them.  I never want to deal with the process of reconnecting.  I never want to won up to my neglected duties.

I assume self-esteem is part of the problem as well, or more my lack of it.  I often think about emailing people, or calling, but I don't want to be bothersome.  I assume that the unsolicited correspondence will be seen as an annoyance. I assume the receiver of the message will react like I do, seeing the obligation to reply.I pathologically despise the idea of being burdensome.

Right now there are a number of people I should probably drop a line to.  On my way to work I passed an online friend, John.  i literally just passed him only acknowledging him with a curt wave.  I was late to work, but he didn't know that.  I fear I just looked like an ass.  He's someone whom, ideally I'd like to be better friends him.  He's intelligent, I have quite a bit in common with him, he's fun to talk to and works for my congressman, which could only be a good thing. I refuse to make concrete plans with him though.  I consistently assume he is busy (he is quite busy) and will see the request as an annoyance.

Another online friend, Josh, lives in Connecticut during the school year but comes home on breaks.  I find him immensely interesting and actually miss talking to him even though we were never particularly close.  I never make an effort to keep up friendship with him though, again, I assume myself a burden.

The problem is worse with once close friends.  I somehow let my friendship with Roseann, my once constant companion, deteriorate into something less then acquaintanceship.  We moved to Portland around the same time.  She found a boyfriend, who I disliked (whom she's now married too) and the frequency of her calls started to wain.  The frequency of my calls dropped to none.  I went to her wedding and I was sadden to see how shocked she was that I was there.  It was even worse reuniting with the acres of other friends I had lost touch with.

My next communication with Roseann came months later when I was informed she was joining the [peace corp and moving to Armenia.  Somehow, I missed her going away party.  I realized the next day and avoided calling her to apologize.  She recently emailed me to let me know she and her husband are leaving Armenia early.  That's the last I heard.

Things are at there very worst and most hurtful with my family, who almost never hears from me.  I know my mother had major surgery on the 19th.  I have yet to call. I never seem to find the time.  My phone at home doesn't work that well (it's vonage and garbles my calls) and I never have enough free time at work to have a worthwhile conversation. It's been even worse though, I once didn't talk to her for an entire year.

I am getting better though. I'm trying at least.  I know of my mom's surgery because I was in contact with her via email for the entire run up.  When I received Roseann's news about coming home I immediately sent a message back apologizing for being a terrible friend and letting her know how much I look forward to seeing her again.  And, When I'm finished posting this I will message John to let him know that i was hurrying off to work and maybe suggest we grab a beer on Thursday.  He'll probably be too busy, but I can try again some other time.

I'm finding that i like writing letters and email, just to say "hello" or to keep in touch and not a single person has mentioned they were annoyed to hear from me.

So, who wants to be my pen pal?